Candy Corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.

Our lives are not in the lap of the gods, but in the lap of our cooks.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

I tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, i've seen running time backwards, i've played pool with planets, and i've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life i'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.

We don't discuss anything anyway. Unless it appears on patrick's official breakfast-time agenda. And that consists mainly of food. Minutes of the last meal and proposals for the next.

You know that really was quite the most appalling mean i've ever tasted. I'd forgotten how she was bad. Burnt Earl Grey omelettes. It's almost an art form to mistreat food in that way.