Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.

Instead of holding on to the Biblical view that we are made in the image of God, we come to realize that we are made in the image of the monkey. (From The Importance of Living (1937).)

The cost of living's going up, and the chance of living's going down.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the america's Cup, France is accusing the U. S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.

Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.